Gonna Break My Rusty Cage

 

Pictured: Me From a different time.

I think a lot of people are feeling the heat right now. The uncertainty. Massive generational differences. No reconciliation. Money Problems. Health Problems. LIFE PROBLEMS. Trust me, I was over it almost 25 years ago. 

I think it's helpful to realize that this system, the superficial things that cause us stress are vastly unnatural. Not only is it made up garbage but it is a system that is built to break people. I was over the idea of money at a very young age, the second I came to the realization of what it was. It's bullshit. How could I embrace something that wreaked havoc on the lives of almost every adult that I knew? 

What's happening now isn't anything new. The decline and decay has been evident every since I could grasp the idea of it. Why the fuck do I have to pay to live in a world I was born on? 

As a Type 1 diabetic my chronic illness IS a business. The cost of supplies, medications and doctors appointments have added up significantly throughout the years. What happens if I can't get my insulin? DEATH. It's so sick and its so degrading that it's almost funny at this point. 

But this is how its supposed to be. I HAVE to go through this. There has to be pain, there has to be struggle, there has to be failure and there has to be LEARNING. 

I'm not someone who can succeed in the conventional sense. Most things I do I actually fail at. It takes a lot of work for me to feel "comfortable" with doing something. It took me nearly 20 years to get to the point I'm at with my music as well. But my music isn't successful in any way metric or financial aspect. And I don't suspect it will be. Because in reality I don't actually want that. I'm not living this life to deal with music industry types who put money first. Nor ANYONE who puts money first. It's not happening. 

That's apart of the learning. To really dig deep and figure out your essence, your light. So many people throughout the years have tried to block my light. No more. I often think about Reincarnation. I do believe in it somewhat. So how many lives have I lived? Did I learn in those lives or is my current life just the accumulation of what I couldn't learn in the past?

I'm starting to think that this is more about us living concurrent lives in multiple parallel realities (Jesus Matt lay off the pot!) at the moment rather than exploring the past as such. When I was around 1 years old my paternal Grandmother told my Mom that I was the reincarnation of her Daughter, Susie, my Dad's half sister who unfortunately passed away at a young age. She was also a Type 1 diabetic. And the only Type 1 diabetic other than me I am aware of in my family. There's a lot of comparisons I can draw in regards to this but I don't think it tells the full story. My full story.

I'm considered an "Atypical" Type 1 diabetic by my doctors. I was not hospitalized when I was diagnosed. Multiple Peptide tests to see if it was actually Type II  proved inconclusive and I do indeed have Type 1 (Insulin dependent/Pancreas does not produce insulin at all) most children who get diagnosed are usually hospitalized. I was not. My blood sugar was 353 at the time of my diagnosis and it was in the middle of a normal school day. It raises a lot of questions. This chronic illness feels like it came out of nowhere. 

My theory is that in some spiritual sense, I have to go through this and in fact, having Diabetes keeps my on a good path. I have a recurring dream that I'm playing music on big stages but I can feel that I did something wrong while I was black out drunk and made a bad situation for myself. As if there is another version of me that went into that rock and roll band lifestyle but it was horrible for my development as a human being. I feel the embarrassment and shame deeply in that dream. 

I have other dreams where I am different people, sometimes other ones where I am in a "future" looking world. I've had ones where my wife and I looked like completely different people but I knew it was still us. What if all these lives exist at once and whenever the veil gets thin and they peek through, you learn a lesson from it? I'm beginning to understand that even though what I go through is challenging, it's meant to be that way. I have to learn from this life. It brings me so much comfort knowing that's the case. I can stop with the "why me?" and go, "why not?" I've been so fucking mad about this more than two decades, so many times I've called on my higher self and pleaded "Why? Why the fuck do I have to deal with this shit?" The answer back is always the same: "To Experience". It all makes total sense to me now.

If you are ready this and resonate, don't be afraid of failure. It's so important to fail. Without it how to we learn? How do I learn? How do I grow? Try. Fail. Try Again. Learn.

Peace.